I am a mother of three, and have successfully sent off my first to college. What I was expecting this experience to be and what turned out to be the reality were surprisingly different. I realized that – prior to my daughter leaving for her freshman year of college – I carried much angst. I took on all of her anxiety and worried FOR her, or along side her, about whether she would like her school, her dorm, her roommate, her classes, teachers, food, you name it. But what was really upsetting me was the not knowing how I would handle the emotional tug of letting her go…. I couldn’t imagine not hearing her voice in the house, dealing with her dirty dishes left in the sink, and having those spontaneous girl talks in the kitchen late at night when she was all alight and chatty and having her second wind, and me, bleary eyed and hoping the kitchen counter, my crutch, can hold my weight, I am so tired, but also thrilled to be there at the right time and the right place, to hear what’s going on in my daughter’s life.
I think it was the fear of the unknown, questioning how this volatile and precious relationship would withstand becoming a long distance one. It was the week before we were leaving to take her up to school, and I was driving in my car. I remember feeling such overwhelming sadness and loss building up in me. I was letting my first baby go! This unfamiliar transitional stage we were entering, I had no idea what that picture was going to look like. I cried my eyes out while driving god knows where!
After bringing her to school where we made many, many, too many trips to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, Marshall’s, Target, etc. – and several spats over what she thought she needed and what she really needed – the hugs and kisses goodbye, we returned home and settled back into our routine, though perhaps a quieter one. What really surprised me was that “it” didn’t change overnight like I guess I had been expecting. Initially, we spoke on the phone several times a day. And as her life began to take form, as she settled into her classes and made friends, slowly we both began to wean off of each other. Suddenly I became aware that I didn’t need to cook as much food or grocery shop as often, and I didn’t miss the dirty dishes in the sink. But mostly, the “falling off the cliff” emotions of sadness that I was expecting never happened. Perhaps the worst of it was all the anticipation of what might happen once our child left the nest.
My daughter will be a junior soon, and after much reflecting, I realize that when they leave for school, they are not leaving you, they are simply moving on to their next adventure. We still call each other often and share a great deal. She knows from the bottom of her heart, that I am there for her no matter what. Gradually, as my daughter became more and more independent, our relationship shifted. As she needed me less it gave me the space to move on, too, to think about what my new adventures may be.
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